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mjbenz
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Name: Mercedes
Gender: Female
Interests: Driving at night with the windows down listening to the Postal Service, crew, rock climbing, indian leg wrestling, writing scripts, watching movies, hanging out with friends, spending time with my family, and haivng moments of self realization in moments of complete calmness and silence
Expertise: being indecisive
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/29/2004
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| wow
reading my last entries it kinda made me laugh. and i wanted to delete
them but now they are a permant mark of what used to be which is good
to go back a look at because, well not to
say that in a matter of months or weeks or even days i've changed but i
feel i've progressed-with no help from graceland. im so glad to not be
there, not that i dont enjoy the people im around when im there i just
feel like what that place stands for is nothing i would ever want to
emulate. well three and a little more years to go, hopefully ill
graduate early.
i got into a row with a good friend before i left, i haven't been
so angry since, well maybe thats why i think ive progressed i havent
been angry in a while. i always say im tired of being pissed off but
more and more i feel like when im pissed off i feel passionate, fiery,
and more confident than ever, i just hate getting angry and since i
havent the passion/fire or whatever is still there, and thats
surprising because im not sure what is fueling it. maybe its the fact
that im a lot different since the last time i wrote, if thats possible.
ive grown up a lot, i still have a lot to do though. but im okay with
the process. im not in any hurry.
i think im starting to appreciate my family more. and i think im more
thankful for all the things i have and opportunities i am presented
like being able to kill time by typing in my labtop to share with world
things on my mind.
ah, before i went on break, i finished my first poetry book ever. it
felt so good, and im so damn proud of it-i found this cool silkscreen
that i printed on the cover with a girl on railroad track the sign had
the regular railroad crossing xs but crossed out was talk and in the
air was act...it was cool you have to see it to get the full effect i
guess. i think finishing that poem book helped me progress. i got rid
of all the anger, anmosity, stupidnesss and confusion in it. i think my
last poem said it all, borrowing the title from coldplays
everythings not lost. i do believe that everythings not lost. and
holy piss i started reading "he's just not THAT into you" great great
book, it absolutely gave me a whole new perspective on guys, dating,
and romance. ill go into that later, let's just say knowledge is
power-liberating power. and for a long time im not a single girl who
would like to be dating someone im a single girl who enjoys being
single...for once. now if that isn't something i don't know what is.
and trust me im not a selfhelp book kinda person but this book is so
much more its a slap in the face to all women-basically it's everything
every women always knew but could never admit like, we are stupid and
make things so much more complicated then they need to be and there is
no need to read people or try to figure out what they are thinking if
someone really wants you to know because they care, they will say
it....eventually. god i love that word.
today i spent an hour driving around the twin cities listening to title
and registration by deathcab, such a beautiful song and lyrics, god
these guys are so good, the song just put me at peace not because its
an uplifting song bc it isnt but because its honest and im just
enjoying how that song makes me feel now, renewed, better, ready...
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so its been a while since typed anything. a lot has happened or maybe not i dunno. last night was my function. it was fun--my date was great a real stand up guy. he is genuinely a nice guy its weird and i think its sad how i am so shocked that he is truly nice without an agenda hes just nice and we got to know eachother a lot better which i was glad about because i think he would be such a great friend to have. we got lost in de moines. that was cool. um hanging out with amanda neeley and jarom was cool too--loved the energy in my car. function was a blast worth the money i dont have :) lets see homecoming happened. we performed well at airband. um--effed up whatever was between me and a guy. still trying to make myself let go and learn from the experience...trying to convince myself that im not stupid and this isn't going to happen with every guy i have feelings for. decided no relationships or "napping" (hah) or whatver else for me. i need to focus on school my goals and my relationships that don't involve feelings of that kind. i dont' think im going to date anyone at graceland--there are so many other people in the world that i haven't met and who is to say my "match" isnt out there? Well okay maybe ill date at graceland but probably not anytime soon and they will be pretty damn lucky because im disenchanted fromt the whole guy thing anyways.
So it's fall and its absolutley beautiful outside. I love the fall, the smell, the color, the food, the feeling it's the changing of everything --physical and nonphysical that i love. It's the greatest season so much potential available.
I think im doing better or feeling better--or maybe im just so numb to all the pain i figure this is how i am suppose to feel. i still dont want to visit my family. my mom stopped in on her way to kc and it was a typical moment between us she critiqued everything about me and i sat there and was mute. yeah it sucked. my dads leaving on this big trip til thanksgiving so wont see him for a while. i wonder how my brothers are doing? sometimes i wish family was a big deal to me but i guess until i have someone else i want to care about more than myself besides my bestfriends i wont know what "family" truly means. Breckfeast time...yea i dont' know how to spell it. hope anyone who reads this is feeling the feeling of anticipation for better things to come and the potetial that life has in store for them...i know thats exactly what i am feeling.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
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| alright so a bunch of people on my hall finished watching crash...and hated it because it made them feel guilty for being white.
i loved it. because it was real raw emotion and idealisms. i dont think it was made to make white people feel bad. but after watching it myself i think about the theme or plot or whatever a lot....
i guess one of my biggest fears is that my colour or race or gender will not allow me to get the job, the raise, the money, and most importantly the respect i know i deserve. that scares me...
im in a somber pepto bismal mood...it tastes like chalk
not gonna lie i think i might actually want to date someone...weird...i want to be vulnerable
alright back to trying to be a productive member of society | | |
| So I started reading this book called Blue Like Jazz...its a book about nonreligious thoughts on christian spirituality. I opened it up and read the first couple pages and the only reason im putting it down is to go to a house meeting...it may sound dorky but i love it when i get a new book and it gives me an anxious feeling in my stomach because i know when i start reading it my mind will be filled with new ideas and thoughts and give me perspective...knowledge...anything and something new...i love books.
After my weekend of thoughts and relflection i had a dream today that made me evalute all the things running in my head. the dream was about how all the scientists in the world came together and told the world that because of air pollution we depleted the ozone layer completely and would die in the next ten years...but before the world melts from the sun horrible things caused by bad air, gamma rays etc. would happen on earth causing the next decade to be hell. It was really quite sad...everyone on earth didnt know what to do..at first i thought (not the dream me but the real me) why doesnt everyone just have orgies and party for ten years straight if were all gonna die horribly anyway. But the dream me and others on earth decided that the next ten years would be spent making, keeping, strengthing relationships, friendships...seeking truth, righting wrongs, and being the best human beings we could possibly be.
That dream made me think a lot. It made me think that i need to appreciate my family way more. Even though i have issues with them...everyone has issues with their family...but they love me and in the big picture love is all i will ever need to live a happy life. it made me appreciate my friends more and call them just to say hi, hows college. the dream scared me...i know sometimes ten years seems so long...but it really isnt it goes by in a blink of an eye. i guess what im trying to say is that im going to make more of an effort to get to know people...who they are...and accept them or at least try to, listen to them and with the relationships i have tell people how they make me feel and why i am so glad to have them as my friend i dont want to not be around and have people never know how i truly feel about them...i gotta go but its good to know kinda what i want right now and what i hope for... | | |
| So this is my xanga. Originally i just signed up for one so i could read other peoples and get to know them without any human interaction. But I need something, somewhere that i can just expound all my emotions and thoughts...so what better place than here? Alright, what first? Today was the first day I've cried in about four months. Yeah...it felt so good. And im not sure why i did--it just happened. At first i was confused...like wow why is my eye leaking but then i felt it and i cant explain what it was but it felt good...like a great release/relief. Most people dont understand why people feel the need to cry...but for me it is a way to clear my mind and let go of all the thoughts, doubts, stress and uncertainty i have. Its not usually because im sad...when im sad i just get this really stupid pouty face and im pretty much mute. But anyway right now i feel better, clearer, and ready for something anything.
I'm still not completely sure about this college. Considering i didnt want to come here in the first place i feel like i have made an effort to not be a shit head about it. But in the back of mind the thought of transfering after this year is tempting. This is how it is...i really enjoy the people i have met here. I have met some pretty amazing people and some pretty shitty people but the relationships i am developing are ones that i value and hope amount to something. I like most of the teachers i have...but im not sure about the school. i guess i just feel like there is something some idea some value some standard it has that im intune with. i dont even know how to descripe it all i can say is that sometimes i feel like i dont fit in no matter how hard i pretend. i hate pretending. maybe thats my problem. like when i went to chattanooga church (its an urban church on tues) i went because i was looking for a way to get closer to god...i want to be spiritual, i want a good relationship with god but i havent found the right way for me to feel god to feel "it" so i thought id give it a try...yeah it sucked. they asked abunch of questions to everyone and we had to stand up if it was yes and they started off asking do we like classes, do we have homework, and then they asked if we had drank since school had started...and prefaced it with "you cannot lie in chatanooga church" so i stood up ( i had one margarita the last saturday) im pretty sure i was the only one who stood up...and a couple thoughts went through my head...shit this is embarrassing...i hate church now...i bet theres more people here who have drank and are chickenshit for not standing up and fuck you if you judge me for drinking...your a christian and you judge me for drinking then you can kiss my hispanic ass. i havent gone back...still need to feel god.
i guess my best shot is seeing god in others and being the best friend i know how to be. taking care of others...listening, and learning, living, crying, laughing, hurting, and believing in something--anything.
ive been listening to death cab and damien rice a lot. they help me compartmentalize my feelings even though i do enjoy the orded chaos that is my mind. what else is new and exciting...i kissed someone. well they kissed me first (a goodnight kiss) and then i kissed them back. i wasnt going to but then i realized id be a trick for not because i would be using my defense mechanisms to not get closer...or try something scary and uncertain with someone. if i get feelings fucked with like usual --balls-- it wouldnt be the first time...and at least i wont have to regret anything. i hope that doesnt happen...this person kinda struck my fancy. well everything happens for a reason so ill ride this out and see what happens.
i guess all in all i enjoy the college experience...i dont really miss my family or home which makes me feel selfish and bitchy. i wish i could and be sympathic to my lonly mother but i cant and im not going to try to be. i try to be enough for my parents as it is...the smart one...the one with the future...the one everyone excepts ashitload from....i wish i could just eff everyone else over and through their stupid ass standards of me out the window and make my own damn standards. I mean i do have my own standards but i feel like i let people live for me and choose my future for me and i want to say fuck off and let me live my own damn life but then dont want to be a dissapointment or disowned or whatever...maybe its time to be a dissapointment....maybe if i am i will be able to find more of myself throught that and be able to feel free...from standards, life goals set by my parents and society and just be me....thats all i want is to be me
it has to start somewhere it has to start sometime what better place than here what better time than now? | | |
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